A dedicated team is currently vetting and evaluating the potential of a Capt. Crunch/Mr. ‘T’ ticket. Campaign slogan: ‘MACA’ ‘Make America Crunchy Again’ and “ Pity the Fools who vote MAGA.” Mr.’ T was recently interviewed by Sugar Bear, beloved Mascot of Sugar Crunch cereal, Mr. ‘T’ is quoted as saying, “I pity the soggy ass fool who don’t vote. I pity the fool more, who votes MAGA, Fool!.”
This from Official Capt.Crunch news site ‘Crunch Facts’, The Wall Street Journal and Washington Times noted that the three stripes on the mascot’s uniform indicate a rank of Commander rather than the four that denote the rank of Captain.The Wall Street Journal reported that the U.S. Navy had no record of Crunch and that NCIS was investigating him for impersonating a naval officer. ‘ Capt. Crunch never claimed to be an Official Officer in the U.S. Naval Forces.’ From the U.S.N. official publication,Good Ship Lollipop)’ No charges were ever brought. According to *Crunch Facts, a news outlet dedicated to Horatio Crunch the ‘Captain’ has a perfect 200 IQ! Looks like Horatio Crunch has an IQ (about 120 points higher than the current soggy ass Commander in Chief.)
Horatio Magellan Crunch, captains a ship called the Guppy, and was born on Crunch Island, a magical island off the coast of Ohio and in the Sea of Milk with talking trees, crazy creatures and a mountain (Mt. Crunchmore) made out of Cap’n Crunch cereal.” Of course there were rumors and insinuations that the ‘Captain’ has a predilection for mind altering chemicals. In response he was quoted,” The only chemicals I use are in my cereal.“
The article refers to the Captain’s bicorne as a “Napoleon-style” hat, and claims that this has led to speculation that he may be French.( This claim has since been debunked as soggy news) Regarding this claim, a staff member spoke up,” That’s fakakta!! Captain Crunch is as American as Corn Flakes or Cheerios jeeez give me a break!” ” As to his religious/spiritual leanings, the same staffer states,“ The Captain is Holistic in his approach to personal belief systems. He leans heavily toward the ‘Quaker Oats’ faith. At a recent rally in Kellogg, Michigan, his ‘conscientious objector’ status was ballyhooed about from the ‘Count Chocula / Frankenberry’ (Independent) as a sign ‘He will be weak on Homeland Security.’ His response is worth noting,” I have always worn my spurs on the outside of my boots. “ Some took this as a cryptic criticism of the current POTUS mythical ‘bone spurs’ deferments during the Vietnam War.
In developing stories, ‘Otto’ ,former School Bus Driver in Springfield (well known hometown of the Simpsons) is being considered for Secretary of Transportation. He made a brief statement,” Since I got out of rehab ,my life now has direction. I really want to give something back. Especially to the little dude.”Jesse Ventura is a serious candidate for Secretary of Defense.More on that later.
Also a rumor, Chef Boyardee is being considered as a potential replacement for the current White House Chef. ‘Chef Jacques’,suffering from depression,reduced to making tater tots and Velveeta Cheese nachos for the current soggy ass POTUS, is so done.